I’m letting go of this site. I’ll be posting on MaanAndMe.co
I’m letting go of this site. I’ll be posting on MaanAndMe.co
Tomorrow marks five weeks. I cannot tell you what this five weeks has been like. It’s been the biggest kick in the ass. It’s almost like her way of making sure I’m moving forward. I have to keep moving and looking for bigger, better things in life. Life’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
Each day is full of looking for the subtleties that make life so special and meaningful yet fleeting. This is also why I have been working so hard to keep my room, my car, and everything in order. If I don’t need to look hard to see past a mess, imagine all the details I’ll be able to discover without a struggling. Overall, I’ve been doing better. I even made waffles this morning.
I’m doing well. Making choices. Planning and acting in my best interest.
Thank you for always being so supportive, you know who you are. Always.
Nothing makes as much sense till I can feel it, hold it, try it. I love to listen and talk just as much as the next person, but until I actually take part in the process, actually use my hands, I can admit I might need to explain it a couple more times before it clicks. Sometimes, I wish for a quick fix but nothing can substitute what going through the actually process can give you. This is reason 423, 391 why I love working with kids. I cherish the process of so many things and love working through the process till you see that “ah-ha” moment in their eyes.
Most weeks, we have themes. The past two have had to do with scavenging, exploring, and building huts out of sticks…and the occasional feather or pipe cleaner. We make devices to help us get our own fruit out of the trees. The school has all these grapefruit trees. Look at all the grapefruits above! All the children were excited and tried. Really tried. Most devices didn’t work and the children worked together to think of something new, something that just might make it work this time! Except one kindgartener. Just one. He said he had no ideas, and didn’t even want to try.
I don’t take that lightly. We sat by the trees while everyone rejoiced when their inventions worked. When it was time to clean up, he turned me to and asked if he could try. We walked up to the tree, and he wasn’t able to reach any fruit. I picked him up maybe a foot off the ground so he would still have to reach, have to work for it, and although his hands slipped a couple times, he finally got it. He got his grapefruit and you should’ve seen his smile, his eyes filled with happiness…but you can see his hands proudly the displaying the grapefruit.
It’s all a process. Sometimes there are tantrums, tears, screams, but…we all need to work through it and find a way to make it work for us.
Whenever I’m stressed, I find things to occupy my time. Most of the time it isn’t doing anything productive. It may be making re-arranging my furniture. It may be making extra garlands for me after making some for a friend. It may be moving plants from the patio into my room then having to move around all of the other plants in the house so it all makes sense.
…I already did all of those things. Today, I woke up after the sixth straight night of nightmares and found something that make me giddy: chocolate doughnut recipe up on The Faux Martha and the picture on her Instagram feed made me hungry. I commented on that picture and committed to making those doughnuts. I made a half dozen and sat around the rest of the morning looking for full-time job opportunities while daydreaming about these doughnuts. Somehow most of my day was spent thinking about those doughnuts.
I’m not saying they weren’t good, because they were. But I tend to focus on the tiniest thing that makes me happy when I’m the most sad. It hit me on my way to work. Today I needed the distraction the most. Three weeks ago, today. It kept replaying in my mind. Three weeks.
I’m trying to work through it the only way I know how. I focus on something that has little to no meaning. That becomes the goal. So, I made two dozen more chocolate doughnuts tonight to take to work tomorrow.
Working through things isn’t easy, but I’m trying my best to find a way through.
The past couple of weeks have been eye-opening in many mundane and obvious ways. Somehow nearly two weeks after the hardest Wednesday of my life, I am the most balanced, centered, and happy I’ve been in years. Being balanced, centered, and happy doesn’t mean I don’t get discouraged, hurt, and sad but I’m able to deal with these facts-of-life type feelings and see the light, the end-point, the way through.
Many days of the past weeks have been consumed with little pet projects.
Also, want to know the biggest thing I have realized? Life is about moving on and growing up, but it’s also about moving forward with a people who make you feel like you’re worth a fight, a car-ride, a damn. So many conversations can take place about how things should have been different in the past. I don’t want those conversations anymore. I can pour myself into everything that has ever happened and still be in the same place I am. Forward thoughts, forward movements. Ever forward.
Right now, I am happy sitting on the floor in my “home-office” typing this, sending out resumes for jobs I can turn into careers, seeing that it’s so important to notice the details in life.
It is so easy to become stuck and complacent. This week I realized that although I am balanced and for the most part at the healthiest emotional state in a long time, I am stuck and complacent with where I am in my life right now. I decided to do something about it! I spruced up my resume and began looking for many, many jobs not in my complete comfort zone. Truthfully, I was surprised at all the jobs I am qualified for.
So, here’s to new avenues, adventures, and aspects of my world that I may have never fully explored.
Life works in mysterious ways. It doesn’t make sense until that one moment where you see the beauty in the uncertainty, the patterns in the randomness that makes this world everything it is.
Last year, I was working at a job I didn’t like. It made my stomach turn most days and some days I could not leave my bed. I was unhappy and let myself continue to be unhappy. In an act of desperation, and what I thought would make me the most happy, I applied to finish another Bachelors degree at Oregon State University. I was on cloud nine when I read my acceptance (re-acceptance) letter to Oregon State University over dinner with my parents. I saw a way out. My way out. How did this work out? I felt life was working itself out, and in my favor.
Six months later, I made that 900 mile drive up to Oregon. With the help of my mom, I moved in and got ready for what I thought was my second chance. Four weeks after that drive, I realized my happy moments were too far and few between that this was not the choice I was supposed to make. What would seem like a failure to most seemed like a silent victory for me: I saw what was wrong and was able to change my situation.
On that 900 mile solo-drive, I thought about everything. The questions from others, what would I do next, why did I have to go through all of this to realize it wasn’t what I wanted… It all didn’t matter when I made it home after fourteen hours of driving.
On my first day back home, we took my Grandmother to an appointment which lead to a full afternoon in a doctor’s office then driving her to the hospital to be admitted for almost a week. It was clear then that things were working out the way they needed to. I was where I needed to be: there for my Grandmother and there for my parents.
I always loved my Grandmother. Smart, quick-witted, funny. She was the lady who knew a lot but would never make you feel inferior. My mother is so much of her. Kind, loving, caring.
My time back home from that first day back till today was filled with so much time at my Grandmother’s. I went to make her lunch while having mine, to talk to her and for her to tell me about things I needed to see/look up after she saw it on Good Morning America. She told me once His Girl Friday was on and it was going to watch it after I left; that same week, I watched His Girl Friday on Netflix, loved it.
Time with my Grandmother while working on getting myself on my feet back at home was exactly what I needed. I have two jobs I love that we always talked about, she would always make sure I left her place on time so I could get to my kiddos at work.
I felt balanced, truly balanced, for the first time in my life. More than balanced, I was happy. Am happy.
Today at 2:22pm. Three minutes before I had to leave my Grandmother’s house to get to work on time. My mom told me “she’s gone” as I was walking up to kiss my Grandmother and say goodbye.
That was the first time I didn’t make it to work on time having been at my Grandmother’s. I didn’t make it to work. My time was spent with my mom and my Grandmother while everything got taken care of. My mom says she must have been waiting for me, and turns out I was the only one she talked to today when I was kissed her on the forehead and said “hi Grandmother, I love you” when I first came into the house this afternoon. She mumbled “love you” to which I replied with another kiss.
I wish I told her I loved His Girl Friday. It slipped my mind till I wrote this.
I’ll miss my Grandmother Pat every day, always. I’m comforted in the fact that she knew what love was and saw the beauty in everything around her.
What I’ll miss the most is her saying “love you, babe” as I walked to the door every day before work.
I love you Grandmother and I thank you every day for helping me be who I am in so many ways.
I think she would have loved this song.